Part of me hates the pup.

Mam’s got a puppy now, he’s a sweet black Cocker Spaniel dog.

Now he doesn’t annoy me in the slightest, I take him out when he needs it and clean up after him and so forth.

But the thing that makes me dislike that we have a dog is that mum continues to talk down to me like I’m stupid about him. I’m now on my laptop after a couple of hours of trying to keep him entertained and waste tanks empty. I took him outside no less than three times and played with him to stop him pestering me. I NEEDED to get a phonecall done but because mum needed a nap I had to wait till she woke up.

Funny thing is, after taking him out and entertaining HER dog I was accused of clattering so she couldn’t sleep. [NOTE – we have a spare fucking room, equipped with bed] Mike came down and I was finally able to see to what I needed to do paperwork wise.

Later when I am on my computer she comments about no-one feeding him (Mike knows his feed times, I DON’T. – and I made it clear I only know his tea time.) and says in her manner (read: spiteful) that I won’t be able to be on my computer tomorrow (when I’m the one left to look after him when I get back in from work.  – Mike will be sleeping, mum will be heading out for work, i will be pupsitting). She has a beef with me spending my time on my computer, I’ve had to explain many a time it’s not just games it’s writing, interaction etc etc.

It’s like… you know damn well I didn’t bother turning this on till Mike got himself downstairs.

He’s not my dog nor responsibility, but I still take him outside and clean up after him and whatnot. I could VERY easily just shut him in his cage and leave him to it. But i don’t. Every time I picked up a damn pen to write something down (about properties) he was up and mithering, so i took him out three times, in which I waited around pointlessly while he spent most of it sat eating himself. (He’s got puppy dandruff)

so yeah TL;DR – love the pup, hate mum’s attitude toward me about him.

I’ve seen a property I can afford, there’s a little work that needs doing but nothing major. She wants to view it, but its like… you have a puppy now, I don’t care, I want it as it’s affordable and nothing wants ripping out and starting again. So when she’s in a mood to listen I have to plead my case again just so I can escape the emotional blackmail that is my mother.

If Dad were to send me any money off his own back for the place I’d be over the damn moon, sorry but he’s not helped me out since before Christmas by sending me £60. Sorry but… My mothers fiancé helps me out more than my own father. That’s a bit much don’t you think. I’ve told him how tight things are and that I’m looking, even a poxy £20 would pay for SOMETHING I NEED.

This from a man that used to give me £20 a week – and before I sound like an ungrateful shit, because of that money I was able to double up on my driving lessons till I passed. I managed to do it in 9 months. From knowing nothing to passing my test. So yes it helped out so much, and I appreciated it.

Even if it were £20 a month… that would cover my phone bill.

Even if it were £30 every two… That would pay for my health insurance for a month atop my phone bills.

SOMETHING, anything… he knows I’m looking for houses and need help with the deposit, he knows I will likely be buying a place and need white goods, he knows full stop that I’m buying a flat eventually.

If I had a kid, (which I don’t plan on doing) I’d at least offer from the get go that I’d buy them a fridge freezer or something, the promise of nearly £200 for when they’re moving out. Even in my current financial situation… I’d fucking do it.

HELL – Even if it were an empty promise he never fucking fulfils. THAT would be something.

Oh well, even though I’m the only one that can call him a waste of space, and I do now-! I still love the git. It’s just… frustrating to know what he has done in the past, to what he’s doing now.

 

I’ve even gone as far as to ask to borrow money off a friend of mine, he said he’d be able to lend me $100 and any more he could make through a commission drive, it had me in tears even asking. I mean its pressure and pride at stake. I asked him hypothetically and in a heartbeat he proceeded to ask me tons of questions and offer his help.

It’s great to know I have at least ONE safety net.

 

Yes mother is giving me the deposit, but as time goes on it’s less and less likely and I will have to get that money together off my own back. I might be able to do it in two pay checks, but it will wipe me the fuck out. Sad thing is… I’D DO IT.

 

Though that being said It’s hillarious how Charing Cross treat people too. I don’t have funding for London, on account of… oh I don’t know almost a YEAR of living. My endocrinologist said that he would never see me again and good luck for the future. … And Then, I get a letter saying I’ve not attended an appointment… the one that was going to be cancelled.

so its like… WHAT THE FUCK!? Seriously, it should have been cancelled, and I HAVE my referral to Sandyford. I feel betrayed. So fucking betrayed. I’ve taken an appointment slot that could have been filled for someone else for NOTHING. So yeah… great management there *slow clap*. I’ve sent them, Sandyford, and my GP letters about it. Telling them EXACTLY how I feel about it.

 

Here’s some fun-

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THIS IS FROM!

Month 2 – Complete Entry

Day 3-

Hurt when I was walking away but by far not as bad. The nurse did have wonderful advice, wiggle my toes.

She used the left buttcheek this time and… while I was getting spots due to the period they seemed to have worn off, which is awesome, I might end up with acne for a while, but it’s something I never had. Though due to periods I do get monthly increases before they leave.

My joints tend to swell, I get a bad stomach, I get extremely irritable… All of that shit I won’t be missing should I not have it.

I didn’t really post anything as I didn’t notice any changes, nor did I expect them in a couple of days of the second shot itself.

Day 4-

Holy shit! I just noticed – I might well be getting face fuzz. I find it odd that so soon it could be starting to happen, I hadn’t expected it till at least the third month.

Day 10-

Higher sex drive, less physical sensation. Slightly elongated/swelled clitoris.

After that I’ll say that nothing significant was noticed due to hormones.

I have developed a slight shaving rash on my neck and/or spots. I’m trying not to aggravate them and they are leaving, just taking their sweet time in doing so.

Month 2 Day 10 – Don’t read to the kiddies now.

Well, I’ve not had to shave since the other day which is good because the nik I gave myself is almost healed so I might for now be able to get away with once a week at most. My hair’s still thin and not growing too much so its like… bloody hell how long was it there before I noticed! xD

Oh well there’s a… rather different change which is turning out to be true about testosterone which… as embarrassed as I am writing about it,  I realised after trying to find the source of information I do use I can’t actually find to quote.

So… yes… Rather personal but eyup – I have noticed recently some (slight but significant enough to notice) clitoral growth. It’s also less sensitive, as per the norm as often the skin can become that bit thicker and sensation can be lost in general. I can’t remember where exactly I have read this as a relative norm but a quick internet trawl and it will become more evident that it is a symptom.

It’s taken me a few days to notice and realise because frankly I dislike much of my body as it is and well… I have noticed an increase in well… If I had a sexual partner I’d actually be pestering them – a LOT. So, imagine my frustration when the urge becomes so bloody annoying I can’t sleep and – Oh snap! Ze bullet isn’t doing the trick… And… some poking and prodding later, and I confess a mirror, I infuriatingly noticed.

I’m not saying these changes are overnight, just that I hadn’t noticed till recently. One change far more irritating than the other.

Also – One site that I happened to find on my search for information – The Transitional Male – 11 Myths about Testosterone.

As I finish this post and prepare to press publish know I will be cringing at the thought of confessing so much to the internet.

Month 2 Day 4

Holy shit! I just noticed – I might well be getting face fuzz.

I’m blonde so the majority of my body hair is barely visible, I just know it’s there. At work I noticed that there’s more hair on my face, it’s short and light and thin… but there’s definitely more of it than before – or its just hella thicker than it used to be.

I’mma gonna have one hell of an odd moustache if it continues to grow the way it is growing.

I find it odd that so soon it could be starting to happen, I hadn’t expected it till at least the third month.

Yay shaving – oh fuck… shaving aarrgh. I gave up with that bullshit ages ago. Oh well xD It’s not dark enough to be an issue, roll on Movember I say xD

Month 2 Day 3

Well, the ouchie was less this time, hurt when I was walking away but by far not as bad.

The nurse did have wonderful advice, wiggle my toes.

She used the left buttcheek this time and… while I was getting spots due to the period they seemed to have worn off, which is awesome, I might end up with acne for a while, but it’s something I never had. Though due to periods I do get monthly increases before they leave.

My joints tend to swell, I get a bad stomach, I get extremely irritable… All of that shit I won’t be missing should I not have it.

I didn’t really post anything as I didn’t notice any changes, nor did I expect them in a couple of days of the second shot itself.

I’ll be updating the countdown shortly.

 

 

month 1 – Complete Entry

1)This is something I decided to do on the way home from the appointment. A daily blow by blow, even if I simply post the words – no obvious change. At the end of the month I’ll likely pick out the main entries and then there’ll be a month by month run down. I might start posting these with less frequency who knows…

Hormone – Testosterone

First Injection Date – 26/6/14

Next Injection Date – 24/7/14

Regarding the needle – the nurse told me it was a big needle and would be better in my buttock. I told her I wasn’t good with needles but she was still going on about how big it was – due to the testosterone being quite a thick liquid from inside the vial/ampule. So… the needle itself wasn’t too bad… I mean thank heck for the blood tests I’ve had prior getting me more used to needles.

It wasn’t painful to be injected, just the usual pain of being stabbed by it and then the removal (which is normally the worst bit with any injection/innoculation). But by the powers that be it bloody hurt when I was walking around later! Hours later it’s still hurting a little and it is uncomfortable, that could be that she accidentally chose the wrong angle or… a variety of reasons to be honest. I’ve had blood tests where it’s not hurt, and some where it has.

On the plus side this is something that’s only once a month/once every 4 weeks. So yes, it’s uncomfortable, but I was expecting that in a way. I mean, I’m not good with needles and I’ve never had one in my buttcheek before so yup xD

I don’t expect to feel or see any changes soon, my mood is stabilised slightly already with anti-depressants (as prescribed because of the testosterone) so I shouldn’t have any extremes of highs or lows.

There is a sense of pride that I have begun at last with hormones but… yup, day one… no major changes I guess.

-Advice – Don’t wear boxers, put on a pair of boxershorts/briefs/yfronts it’s easier when you’ve dropped your trousers down that couple of inches to just move the fabric of out of the way. Boxers would bunch more than just move out of the way. Unfortunately I was wearing my period underwear (yes I still have those- I’m not on the pill or anything for paranoia of it influencing any test results, specially lately I’m glad I’ve not been on them) in some ways… but… saying that it was easy just to inch the fabric away, compared to the underwear I would have been wearing.

–NOTE– On Average – Usually periods begin to end post second injection. Voice changes begin after third injection. Any changes are down to the individual.

– Any advice given here is purely based on personal experience and not from the perspective of a professional. All of these posts are being made for people to read and consider. Something that people new to the transition might want to read to prepare themselves mentally with, or something for non trans people to read to get that little more insight of one persons journey.

2)My ass is still sore, lied and said it wasnt… Ill live.

Stranger still is my monthly has ceased. I mean seriously the timing sucked but… For it to be stopped at least a day short. That shit doesnt usually happen till shot two… Oh well.

I admit I missed out days here – there wasn’t anything new to note or report.

6)I feel a lot more stable to be honest.

If unable to cry, which is odd but… not necessarily a bad thing.

My cycle was cut short and has not returned so that’s a plus.

The butt pain was there for 3 days, but there’s not anything disastrous that’s happened as far as I know.

8)my stomach/bowels/whatever the fuck – is giving me hell. Has been for days, though it was already happening before the injection, I wonder if the longevity of it is being caused by the hormone.

I’m able to sleep that little more soundly, I suppose part relief and part exhaustion is just keeping me going to rest. I do find I’m getting annoyed easier, but its… by far a more tranquil anger.

I know I can be quite volitile so I’ll say now… I’ve not been able to get upset to the point of tears (forced or otherwise), and… my anger is oddly more managed, or so I’d like to think anyway.

I’m not sure if this is something because of progress, or just… I don’t really know why and I wouldn’t want to attribute it to the Testosterone as I’m only a couple of days on it. A week actually… so over 1/4 of the period in before I’ll have to get the next one. Sucks that monthly injections are now the thing and I will have to schedule every Thursday to be off work in time to get to the doctors. Say nope to overtime even if they’re throwing it at you, your butt’s goin for it’s next stabbing.

nip… BAH, BAH I say. While it’s not sore I think she bruised something, I’m not looking forward to the next, but then… it’s a necessary evil.

Afterwhich here I abandoned any hope of daily updates and mentioned it in the headder.

12)Yeah so… it wasn’t realistic to say that, I had yesterdays pending but… didn’t send it.

I have been bitterly disappointed and angry about things, but… yeah… I stand by my statement of not being able to cry. I’ve had a small shock as a family member of a dear, dear friend has passed away, I wasn’t even able to get upset for them. I mean, its like… this is awesome! I’m not a wreck all the time and nearly always cryin at shit xD

I wasn’t THAT bad, but I wore my heart on my sleeves.

I’m still an auto-cannibal but… I think that’s not going to be resolved till I just get my own place and wash my hands of my mother.

I feel awful writing this, and at the same time I’m glad I’ve not told family and friends about this blog really, if she ever does find it then well… Trust me hindsight will prompt me to say I’m sorry but… when I dread going home for yet more judgement and aggression and overhearing swearing pretty much aimed at me. When I’m not allowed to swear myself… mmhm…

Oh sleep, sleep is something I want so much lately! Could be because of work though so I will keep an eye on that!

24)Well it’s been a while since the last update and for those that are on this… journey? with me I’m sorry updates have been on the rather lacking side of things.

Frankly not much of note has happened.
I realised that I usually hit my periods (YUCK – yes biology is a bitch) near the start of the month on average- creeping closer to the middle gradually as it’s not a 30 day thing – and the last shot cut it off by a day. I’m showing *some* signs of being due, but then I realised, due to timing I might not actually have it. If the shot stopped the last, it may well stop this one pre-emptively or half way through at the latest? Who knows, I don’t track that kinda shit as well as I should, I make an effort not to care till its time to stuff my underwear with things that collect blood.

25) Bloody period!

No pun intended –

I was right about the creeping closer to the middle of the month thing so I am totally not amused. Oh well… its Sunday. Whatever

There we go, as promised, the complete month all together in one post.

 

Day Twenty Five – Fuck no…

Wrong about a few things today.

One, who a certain person truly is. Sure I handled a situation incorrectly, but to be sworn at in a barrage in retaliation is a little much. He ha now lost my respect completely and he has a long way to go before I will talk to him about anything beside work again. I will be civil when I HAVE to be and I will ignore him other times. Sure he’s getting married but that’s no excuse for turning into a fucking douchebag. I was pissed off for HOURS… and frankly I am still annoyed that I didn’t just go up to him and kick him in the face ( he was crouched down sorting bottom shelf stock out at the time). Sod the jail sentence at least there’s multiple meals a day in there… and… a chance to fuck my life up more than –  oh wait… hmmm…

I kid, I won’t become a criminal for his sake. Fuck him. Fuck his wedding. Fuck the party I’m invited to.

Act like children, I will treat you like children. Simple. Only the next time fuck it, I’ll be a child too and tattle on all of your fucking arses so quick you’ll be feeling the sting for days. I will happily become hated if it means everyone just gets to fucking work so we can get the job done in a reasonable time. Sure talk, but play fighting in an aisle when there’s multiple obstacles and colleagues in the way? No. That’s where I draw that fucking line.

Two – Bloody period!

No pun intended –

I was right about the creeping closer to the middle of the month thing so I am totally not amused. Oh well… its Sunday. Whatever.

 

hm… rearranged my room a little again after work so it’s immediately neater to the eye… and… not much else really. By the time I got home and sorted my room I came on here to whine and that’s about it. A day of little but fucking frustration.

oddly this does make me feel better in some ways but… still…

To the person I now couldn’t give two shits about, I say a final time before I remove yourself to my well of  indifference –  Fuck you. I mean it. If I can I will keep the fuck away from you. You will likely not understand my reasoning. I don’t give a shit. You’re a dick. Go suck one.

I haven’t given anyone I know immediately this blog so I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be found any time soon… and if it is. You know who the fuck you are. I’d NEVER swear like this to your face, especially not in public.

Day Twenty Four – Timing

Well it’s been a while since the last update and for those that are on this… journey? with me I’m sorry updates have been on the rather lacking side of things.

Frankly not much of note has happened.

I had a lovely surprise off of a darling friend of mine… I painted more of the goddamn paint eating monster of a fence… I debated getting another hamster before dismissing the idea completely… I’ve kept my eyes on the housing market etcetc.

I realised that I usually hit my periods (YUCK –  yes biology is a bitch) near the start of the month on average- creeping closer to the middle gradually as it’s not a 30 day thing –  and the last shot cut it off by a day. I’m showing *some* signs of being due, but then I realised, due to timing I might not actually have it. If the shot stopped the last, it may well stop this one pre-emptively or half way through at the latest? Who knows, I don’t track that kinda shit as well as I should, I make an effort not to care till its time to stuff my underwear with things that collect blood.

I get paid this Friday coming, ( a day after the shot) so I might be investing in some painkillers should my butt hurt for as long after… or… something more practical for the area, I’ll ask if a pain relief rub or something will handle it. I’ll be able to afford it if it works out that I have to get the pricey one xD

Then a couple of days after that it’s dentist time-! EEP-  so I might as well square up with them on the first appointment, quicker to claim the money back that way  – I almost forget I pay for health insurance which covers a considerable amount of the money. £165 to pay out initially- £90 refund =£75 out of my actual wage… which is 11 hours overtime. And I have done MORE than that I can promise anyone. I have done close to 40 hours extra this month. That’s almost six weeks pay within a four week period, pretty nifty for sure!

Almost makes up for the chair I bought too xD

Day One – OWIE Owie owie.

This is something I decided to do on the way home from the appointment. A daily blow by blow, even if I simply post the words – no obvious change. At the end of the month I’ll likely pick out the main entries and then there’ll be a month by month run down. I might start posting these with less frequency who knows…

Hormone – Testosterone

First Injection Date – 26/6/14

Next Injection Date – 24/7/14

Regarding the needle – the nurse told me it was a big needle and would be better in my buttock. I told her I wasn’t good with needles but she was still going on about how big it was  – due to the testosterone being quite a thick liquid from inside the vial/ampule. So… the needle itself wasn’t too bad… I mean thank heck for the blood tests I’ve had prior getting me more used to needles.

It wasn’t painful to be injected, just the usual pain of being stabbed by it and then the removal (which is normally the worst bit with any injection/innoculation). But by the powers that be it bloody hurt when I was walking around later! Hours later it’s still hurting a little and it is uncomfortable, that could be that she accidentally chose the wrong angle or… a variety of reasons to be honest. I’ve had blood tests where it’s not hurt, and some where it has.

On the plus side this is something that’s only once a month/once every 4 weeks. So yes, it’s uncomfortable, but I was expecting that in a way. I mean, I’m not good with needles and I’ve never had one in my buttcheek before so yup xD

I don’t expect to feel or see any changes soon, my mood is stabilised slightly already with anti-depressants (as prescribed because of the testosterone) so I shouldn’t have any extremes of highs or lows.

There is a sense of pride that I have begun at last with hormones but… yup, day one… no major changes I guess.

-Advice – Don’t wear boxers, put on a pair of boxershorts/briefs/yfronts it’s easier when you’ve dropped your trousers down that couple of inches to just move the fabric of out of the way. Boxers would bunch more than just move out of the way. Unfortunately I was wearing my period underwear (yes I still have those- I’m not on the pill or anything for paranoia of it influencing any test results, specially lately I’m glad I’ve not been on them) in some ways… but… saying that it was easy just to inch the fabric away, compared to the underwear I would have been wearing.

–NOTE– On Average – Usually periods begin to end post second injection. Voice changes begin after third injection. Any changes are down to the individual.

– Any advice given here is purely based on personal experience and not from the perspective of a professional. All of these posts are being made for people to read and consider. Something that people new to the transition might want to read to prepare themselves mentally with, or something for non trans people to read to get that little more insight of one persons journey.

 

Normality

Well… Mum and Mike are back home after going to a charity ball, and visiting people n whatnot. Both of them from the sound of it barfing their guts out occasionally between the runs and general tummy complaints… Ok I have exaggerated as mum did all that at the hotel they stayed at and with Mike it seems it’s kicked off later. Meh, they’re both ill and there’s a chance ill be ill too as we live together. Sure im not in their pockets but we are in proximity, yaaay.

Oh well…

Two things to mention, I no longer have to deal with going ALL the way to London for appointments anymore. The funding people have finally gotten their heads out of their asses and denied me funding (on account that I live in Scotland and there are specialists up here) YAY- so I can be seen by people in Glasgow, that’s only a simple train ride away and can be done all in one day at a time. No more having to take three days off per appointment!

Another is… no more moddaeffin false alarms. Testosterone, tomorrow, 11am.

Shit.

The Limbo period is well… almost over.

Medically anyway.

I went to see a flat that looked wonderful… and in reality it was… well… there’s enough wrong with it for me to have to turn away from it, which is a shame because… December is slipping closer and closer and I still haven’t moved out yet.

Sure it’s better that I know I can buy a place, or if need be be rehoused by the council but… still… It doesn’t make anything less frustrating. I will be more inclined to mood instability, which… will only make things worse at home, i will only be given a limited amount of understanding before the cycle of nagging begins again.

I pull the overtime I can get but it’s still not good enough for mum, its not a full time contract therefore my job is worthless and in this economic climate where jobs are hard to find she wants me to get a second, or a full time one…. when companies are far happier hiring part timers nowadays as job loyalty hasn’t been big for generations. But I digress… hormones are meant to be a good thing, they’re meant to signify progress.

If I can prove to the GiC that I’m on them I can get my birth certificate changed at last. It’s cheaper to wait so long rather than having to pay over £100 to get the specialists to write reports that can take around three to four months to complete… xD

 

hmm…

 

Yes, realistically I can get a Mortgage. Cheaper than renting, whoda thunk… so… yeah… actual flat hunting and whatnot. It’s annoying because I can see the attraction of hunting wearing thin. I can’t let myself get excited but the prospect of escaping home and being able to do it without being yet another homeless statistic is a daunting one.

Though it shouldn’t’ be right? I mean, it’s normal for someone to be moved out before 25. Right?

`

On the plus side, I’ve not cut in months. I just realised, I’ve survived being jobless, relocating, relocating again… and… health scares… all without picking up my knife. I still have the medical supplies I use to patch myself up later/hide it all/stop infections with, but I’ve not needed them in… well… since before we moved countries.

I guess that shows how toxic the environment I had lived in had become.

Sure there’s a part of me that misses it, no really, I miss the healing process. Taking care of the wound and… yeah bandaging it in a way that draws attention and makes people ask, while at the same time passing it off as nothing big. It was always one location, the back of my left hand, the skin is thicker there now and it has grown that way as there’s not much chance of anyone being able to see the lines.

I can because in certain lights I know where to look, I know what to look for, along the old scar of a chicken scratch from school… several lines still there.

Odd how that pain, that process, was enough to take my attention away from the mental pain. Yet with me it was equal parts attention seeking to pain outletting. Only hindsight makes it clear to agree a little with some of the assholes that declare that it’s along the street not across the path. I never attacked myself, I didn’t leave marks in places that will make a potential employer flinch when I shake their hands or friends run for the hills.

How easy is it to damage one’s hands? VERY.

Good lord some of the cardboard cuts I have because of work, or times I’ve scratched myself on stray wires (broken comps sometimes have wires that are stuck out, instead of red tagging them people still use them) resemble self harm injuries far more than the marks on my hand… which… I find hillarious.