Old Journal Posts.

To protect myself and people involved I’ll try and only include the transgender related posts. I realised that everything I wrote about actual people should be kept to myself. It’s not fair to drag others through the mud. Even if I don’t mention names… people will easily figure out who is who.

It will end up fragmented that way. But… It’s not strictly coherant in log form anyway.

2009 –

“For writing what I am… I am NOT sorry.”

“I’ve had boyfriends I’ve been smitten with but I’m not your typical boy. Part of me is convinced I’m a gay guy so if I even find a woman would make me as happy as he… I would latch on. ” – I’ve also had a girlfriend. That didn’t work out all that well but there we go xD

 “Oddly enough I would change for him. I subtly am doing I suppose. I wouldn’t regret not being female oddly enough. But I need to find some kind of counsellor and think of a way to phrase it all. and i want to get rid of my boobs partly. make them smaller or something…I’d pass as male more… but my hips would always be a problem. ” – At the time I didn’t even know that transmen existed. The only transsexuals ever publicised were male to female. FtM was very much under the radar till I found out more for myself.

Knowledge is power.

Note:: My parents are divorced. Living separately since September 2001 (When I was 11)

“[NB: The following about Ex was written early 2009 things have since changed- Reading through the whole entry I can say I was at just as much fault in many aspects. But this is the nature of my journal. It slags people off and I have repeatedly said I am not sorry for what was written– moreso, at the time I wrote exactly how I felt. Right now I can only cringe at some damning things I have written. But… I do have to force myself to remember a lot of the problems were most likely my fault]

[Ex] I once convinced myself I loved her. We were inseparable and could share anything. Lately she has become more of a manipulative cow and won’t tell me anything. She never gives me decent time to do anything vital. Lately she didn’t even tell me her dad was in trouble healthwise. Now she didn’t tell me she fancies someone called Amy. It really hurt to find out at first – I found out via [puppy] and she claimed that I had known for ages… when I hadn’t.

How much damage has she done to me, how much will she do.

Im going to be selfish and cut her out of my life. She isn’t doing me any good, I’ll see her Monday. Only to say goodbye.

I am who I am. I’ll have our memories, which I hope I forget.

I love her, but as a sister who I can forget, all she uses me for is a boredom cure. Why keep her as a close friend when all she does is hurt me.

[NB: Mam didn’t help by reinforcing the -shes only hurting you- theory… I was in a bad place at the time… I never helped the situation…]”

– She turned out to be an emotionally blackmailing manipulator… She had put her oar in too many times and caused too much trouble We have had to part ways/ I have had to stop talking to her June 2013. Don’t ever let yourself get suckered in by someone that says one thing to the world and the opposite to yourself. Don’t let someone say ‘but I’ll be lonely if you go far away’ and actually influence your decision.

“Well… I think i’ve blown things with [Ex]. I basically told her most of what’s been bugging me. Says I don’t make time. Only because I can’t. I sent her a text telling how much I loved her. And every time she moved on. I told her I thought that I want her to be happy with someone who has the best of everything. I’ll show up on monday for bowling. If I get turned away I won’t care. I’ll see about getting them all a discount then leave her with [Naynay] that way I won’t ruin the day, only the one before it. I would spend time before that with her but she didn’t take the hint. If she says something before then, then I’ll go. But I guess by blocking her by MSN i’m leaving [someone else] to fill her in why.” – Yeah… don’t do shit like that… however much it hurts… talk crap out

“Well [Ex] showed her true colours the other day. I went bowling and helped her sort the kids out, getting their drinks and helpin keep an eye on [youngest].

Later it was fine. If not she was only crabby when I brought up findin out of [Puppy] about her dad. [cosplayer]arrived, I did tor a favour and took her next door to get a drink… then after we got back [Ex] did the jealous pouty pissy routine.

Thing is… if she didn’t want me to get along with [Cosplayer] why go and play pool with just [Naynay] and go to the bathroom with her, leaving me and [cosplayer] alone awkwardly and to fangirl about common interests.

[Cosplayer] even told me on msn (we swapped usernames on the day)

• She’s bitchin at me for talkin to you so much
• [cosplayer] is admitedly social and also said “Why invite me if you don’t want me to talk/get on. She doesn’t want me to go out with you friday”
• I didn’t expect that, she said she didn’t like being told what to do, I said I’d still be able to take her to wasabi because I had already said I would. I want to go down, that’s my reason to.

So I’m sure [Ex] blocked me. She had from 11-12 to speak. She didn’t so now she’s out of my hair. Like [Tifa]. I’m going to be indifferent. I kinda said to mum ‘dontcha just love exes’ she said shes not, its a fallout. Me- dead serious – ‘no exes’ xD”

Confusing nicknames aside… see what I was saying prior. I’m not faultless, but… you don’t need anyone like that in your life. EVER. Emotional blackmail is just as abusive… if not moreso than physical violence.

“Mum ugh where to start, yeah sure she cares, but the constant nagging about being a lady – ugh part of me seems to be going out of my way to act against her.

I hope this session clears a few things up. Then I can get on top of things and look after myself better.

All the emotion and that’s all I have to say? Wow… she even nagged me on her birthday. Sayin I dress like a 13 year old when I’m almost 20. Like that makes a chuffin difference. I’ll pause for now and add everything as I remember it.

• She’s obsessed about a boy Danny that we met at the train station. She’s convinced I’ve trapped off.
• I like him, but im not sure if I love him, sure i’ll go out with him for a laugh, but other than that I don’t know.
• Its like she’s obsessed with making me settle down.”

One of the issues with no self confidence is that you don’t leave your home and don’t interact with new people. Try and dress to your peers. And… use fashion manuals to help. I go off teenagers dress senses since I work with them, it doesn’t help much when out and about when what is comfortable to me isn’t neccessarily dressing my age…

——————

Stage One of the name change complete.

The forms came through for my name change, The application process worked and the money cleared. I got it today after a decent day out with mum.
I told her my name would be Alex, Alex Peter.
She looked so offended- She asked me why I didn’t go for my middle name. I looked blankly at her. I don’t like Olivia as it is, the male variation is Oliver… Sorry but NO. I will NOT be called Oliver. The middle name is in honour of my deceased grandmother Olive, I still respect the woman that I have never encountered in my entire life – but that doesn’t mean I’m going to take her name.

She also said why not wait to change it. But this was a question. I had to explain that as a Transman you have to change your name before you can go on things like testosterone, you have to live as male for at least a year before doctors even consider letting you go on testosterone. And then is a year till boob go byebye… then yet another year before legally you MIGHT have been considered living as a male for the required two before it will be legally recognised.

She doesn’t like the idea and said noone’s calling me that and people have known me for almost 21 years and won’t change etc. I don’t expect my family to call me anything different at first, but people I know call me Alex, at work its Roger as a joke. But I brought that up to try and make a joke, prepare her for me being called Rodge, and let her know that people are accepting of the idea.

I only came out to her a few days ago officially… and now a few days later my forms *finally* arrive. It’s a lot to take in… Boy am I glad I didn’t mention the surname change just yet.
I have no reason to give other than ‘I want to’. How does one explain eliminating family ties to a mother that barely even understands what’s going on.
How do I explain I started binding and so on over a year ago now? The Idea of me changing my name isn’t new at all to me. I’ve come out so I don’t hide my clothes anymore.

Which is a plus as I even bought some more boxers today, Only having 6 pairs and the rest girl boxers is a bit annoying. Some are the nice baggy ones… others… Meh they were cheap, I know which ones I prefer -Just wait till I start packing xD- back to the point- bought them today, right in front of mum. They were slapped in the shopping trolly and ignored/treated like anything else I’d pick up on a regular basis.

One tip that will go a long way: DON’T make a big deal out of things out of the ‘ordinary’. I.E: Getting clothing clearly for the opposite gender, getting toiletries for BOTH genders *

* TransWomen often carry around pads in their bags for enough reasons. The best ones being for realism… and hell, it would sure help out if a female friend forgets theirs and can’t foot the bill of the machine in the bathrooms.
TransMen it sucks thinking about periods… but eventually there will be no more of them. Deodorants, just go with what works best, screw the labels on them.

———————

Dec – 2010

“Just wanting everything to be over…

But the thing is… it will never be.
This will never end, the struggle never cease… There’s no going back… doing that will be too painful, I have done it before and all it did was make things far worse.

Strong… sure… paralysing yourself from being able to leave your own bed…. then your room.. the only thing that got me up was the thought of mam screaming at me… so at 4pm I finally left my bed and got tea on. Perfectly camoflaging my failure…

Failure to be a human being… I can barely look after myself again. It’s horrible but its true, its happening again… I just…

Part of me wants to go back on the pills… but lets face it, I’ve only lately recovered from them as it is.

No-one has said this would be easy. But still… the self loathing never stops.”