Journal Entries

“Dream- Oddly enough I remember this part clearly. 
I was a boy. In my own home. I’d gone to the bathroom, prolly for the toilet. I was in a hurry because of people, I had a dick. Odd thing is IT FELT REAL. Rather I remember feeling it just before I woke up. 

Dream Analysis – Amateur w/ Dream Dictionary

Home ( I was in my home) ‘to be left at home for young woman… falsehoods against her’ (Falsehoods in my life?)

Bathroom – ‘for young woman to dream of bathroom [illegible] incinations toward light pleasure + frivolities’

Penis – ‘essence of manhood’

genitals-‘a woman may dream she has a penis – could be interpreted as her experiencing a pale part of herself’ (no shit sherlock)

head – ‘idea dreamer has of him/herself -intentions, beliefs, wishes’
all in all. My make side was being shown to me as part of my inner beliefs to be male and my wish to have a dick. That’s what the dream was basically. 
Well…. just as a little side bit of fun to consider.


18th June 09 
– asked my councillor about hormone treatments, It’s actually came to the point where I’m willing to make the transtion. 
-I need to find out how to change my name. Alex. Maybe that’s what I can influence people  to call me. 
I had a look at the deed poll website, if I get the application through the post and I can send it when I feel the time is right. 
this is something I want to do. Little looking back. Abandoning who I want to be… it will be long and hard.
   I don’t care!
Mum will be the hardest, my friends should understand… If not they’re not my friends. 
Work will be hard to convince, but I should be able to do it. Though I do want to change my surname too. 
Alex ‘Mitani’ ________ If im changing my name I see no reason not to have Mitani, then its the timing from miss to mr. I cah change my name now if i wanted. Then wait… but all at once should be better. 
How in the hell do I explain this. 

It really is something to acknowledge how hard transitioning can be… but really, part of me underestimated how much trouble would be caused and how hard it really would be. I knew the wait would be long… and it still will be, but… just… When someone is so prepared it’s not a light decision. To some friends I was rushing things, but honestly I hadn’t told them before.

One note though with added hindsight… don’t go changing your surname without asking your family members first. It didn’t go down to well really… not after mam kept a surname she hated after she divorced dad. “


“Manly” Advice

Manly advice – Dec 2010

 Curtsey of biological males at work:

1. Don’t whine about anything being too heavy… like EVER

2. Don’t mention any injuries to ANYONE till you hit the emergency room. Then, yeah… its bad enough to cry about.

3. Try not to nag about shit, just get it DONE

Lol, tid-bits today that I got enlightened with. In all honesty when I fell down the stairs last I didn’t cry, only writhed in pain till it stopped then I got up and laughed it off…

All of the above tips are easier said than done… but hell… I can damn well try. It’s something to take on board, and solid advice into the working world of man. Not advice off a trans-man to pass… Not advice off a woman that thinks she knows men… Genuine crap spouted off a genuine man.

Any more advice please do comment!

What made my shift at work today was really a customer I was serving asking me if I was a boy or girl. I laughed and just told him the truth ‘transgendered’ then explained biologically female. He was confused because I was being too NICE – Whut?

It almost seems that being nice isn’t the way to go… but… it is part of the job so… it may take a while for that habit to break xD – I’m just chuffed I passed enough for him to be confused about me.
Also there were enough people saying ‘he’ etc when referring to me. It felt awesome.
-Though Alfie hilariously was talking with me in the room and every other pronoun was switched between He and She. It just made me laugh so much, he half apologised and I didn’t mind one whit, it was the entertainment value and that he *didn’t* stop and apologise that made it so fun. (haha, his face when I joked with someone about crap and mentioned hermaphrodites, totally worth it xD)

Old Journal Posts.

To protect myself and people involved I’ll try and only include the transgender related posts. I realised that everything I wrote about actual people should be kept to myself. It’s not fair to drag others through the mud. Even if I don’t mention names… people will easily figure out who is who.

It will end up fragmented that way. But… It’s not strictly coherant in log form anyway.

2009 –

“For writing what I am… I am NOT sorry.”

I’ve had boyfriends I’ve been smitten with but I’m not your typical boy. Part of me is convinced I’m a gay guy so if I even find a woman would make me as happy as he… I would latch on. ” – I’ve also had a girlfriend. That didn’t work out all that well but there we go xD

 “Oddly enough I would change for him. I subtly am doing I suppose. I wouldn’t regret not being female oddly enough. But I need to find some kind of counsellor and think of a way to phrase it all. and i want to get rid of my boobs partly. make them smaller or something…I’d pass as male more… but my hips would always be a problem. ” – At the time I didn’t even know that transmen existed. The only transsexuals ever publicised were male to female. FtM was very much under the radar till I found out more for myself.
Knowledge is power.
Note:: My parents are divorced. Living separately since September 2001 (When I was 11)
[NB: The following about Ex was written early 2009 things have since changed- Reading through the whole entry I can say I was at just as much fault in many aspects. But this is the nature of my journal. It slags people off and I have repeatedly said I am not sorry for what was written– moreso, at the time I wrote exactly how I felt. Right now I can only cringe at some damning things I have written. But… I do have to force myself to remember a lot of the problems were most likely my fault]

[Ex] I once convinced myself I loved her. We were inseparable and could share anything. Lately she has become more of a manipulative cow and won’t tell me anything. She never gives me decent time to do anything vital. Lately she didn’t even tell me her dad was in trouble healthwise. Now she didn’t tell me she fancies someone called Amy. It really hurt to find out at first – I found out via [puppy] and she claimed that I had known for ages… when I hadn’t.
How much damage has she done to me, how much will she do.
Im going to be selfish and cut her out of my life. She isn’t doing me any good, I’ll see her Monday. Only to say goodbye.
I am who I am. I’ll have our memories, which I hope I forget.
I love her, but as a sister who I can forget, all she uses me for is a boredom cure. Why keep her as a close friend when all she does is hurt me.

[NB: Mam didn’t help by reinforcing the -shes only hurting you- theory… I was in a bad place at the time… I never helped the situation…]”
– She turned out to be an emotionally blackmailing manipulator… She had put her oar in too many times and caused too much trouble We have had to part ways/ I have had to stop talking to her June 2013. Don’t ever let yourself get suckered in by someone that says one thing to the world and the opposite to yourself. Don’t let someone say ‘but I’ll be lonely if you go far away’ and actually influence your decision.

“Well… I think i’ve blown things with [Ex]. I basically told her most of what’s been bugging me. Says I don’t make time. Only because I can’t. I sent her a text telling how much I loved her. And every time she moved on. I told her I thought that I want her to be happy with someone who has the best of everything. I’ll show up on monday for bowling. If I get turned away I won’t care. I’ll see about getting them all a discount then leave her with [Naynay] that way I won’t ruin the day, only the one before it. I would spend time before that with her but she didn’t take the hint. If she says something before then, then I’ll go. But I guess by blocking her by MSN i’m leaving [someone else] to fill her in why.” – Yeah… don’t do shit like that… however much it hurts… talk crap out

“Well [Ex] showed her true colours the other day. I went bowling and helped her sort the kids out, getting their drinks and helpin keep an eye on [youngest].

Later it was fine. If not she was only crabby when I brought up findin out of [Puppy] about her dad. [cosplayer]arrived, I did tor a favour and took her next door to get a drink… then after we got back [Ex] did the jealous pouty pissy routine.
Thing is… if she didn’t want me to get along with [Cosplayer] why go and play pool with just [Naynay] and go to the bathroom with her, leaving me and [cosplayer] alone awkwardly and to fangirl about common interests.
[Cosplayer] even told me on msn (we swapped usernames on the day)
  • She’s bitchin at me for talkin to you so much
  • [cosplayer] is admitedly social and also said “Why invite me if you don’t want me to talk/get on. She doesn’t want me to go out with you friday”
  • I didn’t expect that, she said she didn’t like being told what to do, I said I’d still be able to take her to wasabi because I had already said I would. I want to go down, that’s my reason to.
So I’m sure [Ex] blocked me. She had from 11-12 to speak. She didn’t so now she’s out of my hair. Like [Tifa]. I’m going to be indifferent. I kinda said to mum ‘dontcha just love exes’ she said shes not, its a fallout. Me- dead serious – ‘no exes’ xD”
Confusing nicknames aside… see what I was saying prior. I’m not faultless, but… you don’t need anyone like that in your life. EVER. Emotional blackmail is just as abusive… if not moreso than physical violence.
“Mum ugh where to start, yeah sure she cares, but the constant nagging about being a lady – ugh part of me seems to be going out of my way to act against her.
I hope this session clears a few things up. Then I can get on top of things and look after myself better.
All the emotion and that’s all I have to say? Wow… she even nagged me on her birthday. Sayin I dress like a 13 year old when I’m almost 20. Like that makes a chuffin difference. I’ll pause for now and add everything as I remember it.
  • She’s obsessed about a boy Danny that we met at the train station. She’s convinced I’ve trapped off.
  • I like him, but im not sure if I love him, sure i’ll go out with him for a laugh, but other than that I don’t know.
  • Its like she’s obsessed with making me settle down.”

One of the issues with no self confidence is that you don’t leave your home and don’t interact with new people. Try and dress to your peers. And… use fashion manuals to help. I go off teenagers dress senses since I work with them, it doesn’t help much when out and about when what is comfortable to me isn’t neccessarily dressing my age…


Stage One of the name change complete.

The forms came through for my name change, The application process worked and the money cleared. I got it today after a decent day out with mum.
I told her my name would be Alex, Alex Peter.
She looked so offended- She asked me why I didn’t go for my middle name. I looked blankly at her. I don’t like Olivia as it is, the male variation is Oliver… Sorry but NO. I will NOT be called Oliver. The middle name is in honour of my deceased grandmother Olive, I still respect the woman that I have never encountered in my entire life – but that doesn’t mean I’m going to take her name.

She also said why not wait to change it. But this was a question. I had to explain that as a Transman you have to change your name before you can go on things like testosterone, you have to live as male for at least a year before doctors even consider letting you go on testosterone. And then is a year till boob go byebye… then yet another year before legally you MIGHT have been considered living as a male for the required two before it will be legally recognised.

She doesn’t like the idea and said noone’s calling me that and people have known me for almost 21 years and won’t change etc. I don’t expect my family to call me anything different at first, but people I know call me Alex, at work its Roger as a joke. But I brought that up to try and make a joke, prepare her for me being called Rodge, and let her know that people are accepting of the idea.

I only came out to her a few days ago officially… and now a few days later my forms *finally* arrive. It’s a lot to take in… Boy am I glad I didn’t mention the surname change just yet.
I have no reason to give other than ‘I want to’. How does one explain eliminating family ties to a mother that barely even understands what’s going on.
How do I explain I started binding and so on over a year ago now? The Idea of me changing my name isn’t new at all to me. I’ve come out so I don’t hide my clothes anymore.

Which is a plus as I even bought some more boxers today, Only having 6 pairs and the rest girl boxers is a bit annoying. Some are the nice baggy ones… others… Meh they were cheap, I know which ones I prefer -Just wait till I start packing xD- back to the point- bought them today, right in front of mum. They were slapped in the shopping trolly and ignored/treated like anything else I’d pick up on a regular basis.

One tip that will go a long way: DON’T make a big deal out of things out of the ‘ordinary’. I.E: Getting clothing clearly for the opposite gender, getting toiletries for BOTH genders *

* TransWomen often carry around pads in their bags for enough reasons. The best ones being for realism… and hell, it would sure help out if a female friend forgets theirs and can’t foot the bill of the machine in the bathrooms.
TransMen it sucks thinking about periods… but eventually there will be no more of them. Deodorants, just go with what works best, screw the labels on them.


Dec – 2010

“Just wanting everything to be over…

But the thing is… it will never be.
This will never end, the struggle never cease… There’s no going back… doing that will be too painful, I have done it before and all it did was make things far worse.

Strong… sure… paralysing yourself from being able to leave your own bed…. then your room.. the only thing that got me up was the thought of mam screaming at me… so at 4pm I finally left my bed and got tea on. Perfectly camoflaging my failure…

Failure to be a human being… I can barely look after myself again. It’s horrible but its true, its happening again… I just…

Part of me wants to go back on the pills… but lets face it, I’ve only lately recovered from them as it is.

No-one has said this would be easy. But still… the self loathing never stops.”



An essential to any FtM or CROSSPLAYER. Binders. You can home make them, there are rather successful if you know what you are doing.

I prefer to use T-Kingdom binders since I cannot complain about their cost vs quality. Their shipping is reasonable too, my binders usually arrive in two weeks, it’s just easy to get antsy.

I did write a review for a few of mine quite a while ago, but unfortunately I will have to start it all from scratch.

Now, one of the first things to mention is that if you are new to binders then they will feel odd and you will feel self concious. Every time you get a new one it will be the same.

I made this over a year ago when I was newer to the whole Trans scene. I had yet to keep my hair short or dress more masculine. I was testing a theory… and I prefer being bound back to bras. If you know a transman it might be good to ask them if they have any binders that they don’t use anymore. There are centres that sometimes accept donations and pass them on to less financially privileged transmen.
The unicorn is awesome and I still like them… its not up anymore since it got trashed on the door. It lasted over a year at least.
All views about the binders are current day and have changed since I made the video. Also my chest size in shirts is 38-40 Inch, I tend to go off my neck size also 15 1/2 – 16 Inch. Yes, SHIRTS.


I stopped wearing these ones early this year. The material on the bottom rode up enough to be annoying, and there was no grip on it after a while. The velcro started digging in under my arms and it became uncomfortable to wear. At work I constantly felt I had to adjust it.
These would be better for slimmer people. They are sturdy and not all that uncomfortable in short bursts. My video says a little more about them.


I also stopped wearing these… but they are far more secure than the 1480 and they are built more like a vest. Again the video says more about them.
Better again for slimmer people… I got a large and the vest part swamped me. It is good they make allowances for bigger stomachs, but it was a little too much. I ended up over wearing mine since the up sides were more than the down.


A LOT of people complain about these binders, calling them flimsy etc… but truth is I LOVE THEM. They are far easier to get on, the zip is at the front -takes some getting used to- and they look good under almost everything.
I find they remain still even when at work and require a lot less fiddling with. The material is breathable and it is easy to wash. Shove it in with your everyday clothes and problem solved.

I personally find that they bind well, at work they are subtle enough to still be able to move around without overheating. I also adore the quick release of the zip at the front. Oh god how good it feels to just pop it open xD.

After wearing velcro… I can honestly say I prefer the light material and decent binding that the 801 offers.


I just got this one today… It is AWKWARD TO GET ON. Take your time with it and don’t rush, that’s how people injur themselves!
I got the large* and I had to fight it on. I had to make sure the elastic was most definitely where it should be. You will be able to tell when it doesn’t fit right to be honest.

I got it because apparently it is comfortable, and if it lasts I will be able to wear it out and about in summer etc. I decided to trial run it now and It does look like a normal vest top. The arm holes are a little small for me, so next time I will get the extra large for that bit more comfort. Also… Its reversible! So it can be worn under different clothing when needed.

(I tend to wear a waist coat over white shirts for obvious reasons)

I can’t judge this one too much right now, but it is comfortable enough and when adjusted it does a damn good job. Even if you use it to preen, it is a very satisfying feeling.


WARNING:: Don’t wear binders for too long, your body WILL NOT take being squished down for too long.
DO NOT double up on binders, if one is a little too loose, DEAL WITH IT.
DO NOT wear binders that are too small. It becomes very painful after a while and will effect your ability to breath.
ALWAYS road test new binders for a few hours at a time. Never try wearing them for long periods of time. They need to stretch to fit your body and you need to get used to new pressure. You think you’re a medium since the current one is too loose… No, you’re still a large, you’ve just stretched the old one out.
Case and point
T-Kingdom have a good returns policy. Feel free to check it out before you buy!

I admit I do wear mine for long periods of time since I do go to work in them, but this is because I am USED to wearing them and my breasts have lost any perk they once have, they are far easier to squish down.
Admittedly on occasion I do wear hidden support tops, they give your body a break and if you layer up your clothing effectively noone’s the wiser. You can get them a size too small since they are usually built awkwardly. I wear tops that are 14’s and quite old indeed (trust me, I’m near an 18’s now… it fluxes xD)

I NEVER sleep in my binders. Yes I hate my boobs, but I like being able to sleep thank you. It gives you time to recover. The ones that zip down the front are wonderful for instant relief. You’re home and you can’t be bothered changing clothes? UNDO YOUR BINDER while you relax.

As I type my 1500 is digging in like a bitch. Even though it’s hard to get on and off I don’t care, I will take it off and wear something to give myself a break. I’ve been wearing binders and walking around in the cold all day.


** The Khaos forums are back up and running so I will copypaste the reply I left there**

“[This may end up being a little disjointed because half way through i decided to do a little modelling for the sake of this post and my explanations which might not help that well *sweatdrop*
and i apologise for the audio, if i need to Youtube sub on the video at the end of the post and just before the reviews i will do
I will add pictures with the binders i have as wear them ^^ so far the 1480
**Trial by workplace and general usage added**]
I do have to thank all participants in this thread for helping me find a binder that has so far from delivery worked.
I had tried a few methods like wearing sports bras a size smaller, bandages, home made methods a friend made (they work on her, and smaller sizes but not me xD), even hidden support tops to try and reduce my chest size look.
I am a 36D (at last measurement) and an English size 14-16 in pants. the main issue is finding the time to get a bind to work and finding a sure fire method that isn’t all too obvious to my mother (long story behind that one). I checked out this thread a while ago after several methods were failing miserably and it gave me a boost of inspiration and reassurance that i wasnt alone with the issue.
Another problem by all means is budget which with Tabs wise logic is however much used to be spent on Bras can be put in a pot for binders.
That gave me the courage to go to the T-kingdom site and order a few binders, i dont have pictures now since im only wearing one of them and i do need to get better at arranging it and putting it on xD
I will admit i chickened away from the Underworks ones. I had looked at the site before but the price had put me off. Peoples bad experiences with them have made me think about it. I weighed both up and decided T Kingdom.
But what a relief when i finally put it on ( i will specify which ones soon bear with me xD) my chest was actually supported for a change and squished in, it does look a *little* like pecs ( i suppose xD)  but i do need to loose my stomach a little to make it look more convincing xD
**Update** Im wearing one of my friends fave hoodies (i own he loves) and i was giddy a bit because by the cringe the 1700 does work, Good thing i do have baggy in my wardrobe more than clingy.
Oh, before someone brings up the ‘if you have a low budget try the DIY Foot made’… I would.. if i could sew xD I could scrape together the material (or money for some and go down to a fabric shop by all means). But im not so good with sewing anything securely and no sewing machine, and measurements… Golly gosh the last time i made anything in home ec.. it went horribly wrong xD. Oh, and i would struggle with the step in and pull up method with it methinks *pokes at hips and tummy*
Oh and as a last resort, Hidden support tops like the old ones from Matalan etc do work a bit… Swimming costumes with the legs built in work better xD Seriously though im used to overheating because i wear too many layers nowadays i wouldnt resort to it. I do have a swimmer where its like an all in one without being one of the semidry suits or shortie wetsuits. It is a liiitle boost from costumes since i refuse to go without shorts xD I wear them over the costumes with dark Tshirts when im allowed. Which is like… nowhere anymore. Sea =  yes. Public pools in my area =  bannage of two many layers.
*drags back from the tangent*
Seriously, swimming costumes that have the supports built in arent all that cheap, but i suppose if you are looking for a bit of a body smoothing effect then they do work a little in doing that. But only in winters i implore you. <<Tis a vid of me with the new T-kingdom binders
The second is the 1700 @ (according to the site it is a best seller)
Third on the video is an old support top, one of which has seen better days xD
Also briefly featured is the Binder my friend let me try out… and the mention of bandages… Owies
[A]Brand, Model, Name, Where you got it from: T-Kingdom- 1480 – ‘breast binder’ – Internets
(B)Price: €37.04 Euro (pre-shipping)
[C]Your chest size: (last measurement) 36D
[D]Comments: It isnt overly comfortable and i am aware that i am wearing it, but that is precisely the point. If the velcro isnt placed right on the side you can feel it for sure, the bottom rolls up on mine because of the tummy but overall i do think it does do the best job i have encountered. I can feel it both supporting and squishing at the same time which believe me has really boosted my confidence (Since ordering the binders i have been looking forward to them arriving xD). There is the liiiitle issue of backswell on one side, because i think i ordered an L rather than XL but at the end of the day elasticity does go in anything… so…
[E] *** 8/10 it works well and feel secure, but there are a few issues with velcro and positioning, any tighter or firmer and i believe i wont be able to breath or the bulge from my back will make it too obvious, so i think it works just fine for now***
**I wore it for a day out around Manchester, My friend barely noticed but he hasnt seen me in a while and his eyes were more on the guys xD. I however did feel the difference for myself and i do rate the binder, it just fit under my shirt, and thats the lowest i recon ill be wearing one xD**
Not the best pictures but i hope they help.
[A]Brand, Model, Name, Where you got it from: T-Kingdom- 1700 – ‘breast binder’ – Internets
(B)Price: €42.20 Euro (pre-shipping)
[C]Your chest size: (last measurement) 36D
[D]Comments: It is comfortable to a point, it does make me quite shorter of breath than the 1480 does. This isnt due to me getting changed from one to the other because i took time enough to compose myself between recordings. i do think it looks a little better but as well it is a confidence issue. Um… the rest is rambled on the video xD
[E] *** 7/10 due to slipping and paranoia about it not working well enough with strenuous activities. ***
****revised: 5/10 after quite a bit of usage the large is too big O.o it does work but even casual usage makes me have to constantly find a bath/changing room to alter the top. And lets face it im not reeeaally tall so i dont need the extra material of the vesty part to reach below my butt.****
[A]Brand, Model, Name, Where you got it from: Brandless, model less, ‘the cosplay binder’, made by a friend
(B)Price: Free (twas a prototype before she begins to sell them for cosplayers on E-bay if she gets good enough results from her own)
[C]Your chest size: (last measurement) 36D
[D]Comments: it rolls down xD ive had my friend wrapping it, another friend wrapping it, and ive tried it myself. The length im not sure, but each strip is when flattened out around six inches thick, it is tricky to manage but on smaller sizes or less resilient chests it would be good to maybe try out. I cant say much more about how its made since i didnt make it (and shes thinking about wholesale xD) But im all for people making their own that suit themselves (and sharing the information on here as soon as they get a good idea)
[E] For me 3/10
     For Other people 8/10
I do want to try the 801 model one day but that will have to wait a while while i get used to this one. Im probably a sucker for the model, but a zip at the front might be a little impractical for me and my excuse of a wardrobe (mostly i have oversizes shirts with Dragons on. The video day was one where i went out with a friend that is having a hard time adjusting to the FtM ‘issue’
It might be a little more comfortable than having the velcro on the sides but i am a bit dubious about the zip, smaller sizes might be best suited to this one.
heres the video url again >>
***After wearing both binders at work i can honestly say that the 1480 does work better for me, it doesnt shift about as much as the 1700 and does feel much more secure after eight hours of stretching and bending. When im casually milling about the 1700 is a good binder but i do prefer the 1480 when i have to be active and out and about. (also it is a cheaper model! xD)***
****AAAAARGH, ok, if you get a large in the 1480… seriously, get a medium in the 1700, it slips a hell of a lot and the bind by far isnt as good, I admit my breasts have sagged a little since i went with the support top option too long, but it is no excuse for the creasing the 1700 does between your breastline and stomach if you are my shape. I am severly annoyed and i need to save up to get another 1480 in white since i want one white one black, the next time im getting a 1700 i am seriously getting the medium in the hope it will be smaller O.o****”

Due to the forum being restricted to non members it’s harder to see the posts, but a handmade, homemade awesome binder is here

ALSO: Don’t listen to my advice about mediums, just get a new one of the size that fits.

One Hell of a Journal.

Years ago I thought it would do me some good to post up online my old Journal entries. Thinking they might well help.

I don’t use the site it was once posted on and thought it would be better to post it up here. The reasons for posting this up have differed over the years. I’ll be putting up an edited version of an old kept journal and opinions Ive come across over the years.


Years back I thought it best to have unisex names… but… those only serve to confuse and piss people off. I mean, when someone is old enough they can decide to change them legally, or simply use a nickname.

When I changed mine I had little idea how much it would hurt her. Or my father.

Always consult your family before any name changes. My mother fears a family name has been lost…  I can never forget why. I can never fully erase the past.

I can never undo the damage I did to my relationships with my (divorced) parents.


21 Oct 2010 (Pre name change)

I had been binding at this point for just over a year. I came out to a couple of people at work.

One bastard made sure everyone at work knew. Though it did make coming out easier. One of the managers at the time came up to me and said she was proud of me, thinking I was brave.

At the time, I had thought if I could cope with the assholes (there were a lot of them) at work, I could cope with anyone.


31st Oct 2010

My psychiatrist retired shortly after seeing me… My referral wasn’t passed on to me from my doctor and I had to be put on anti-depressants. I had been to see him in 2009 and had been waiting for a response for far too long. The refferal never came to me and got stuck in the computers at my doctors.

I had grown incredibly bitter, and this unfortunately wasn’t the first delay I did encounter.


11th November 2010

A few things about anti- depressants.

Long has it been that people have feared the pills that doctors throw out to people who never need them and are coping just fine, just to have them addicted to something as potent as morphine…

Yeah that’s a load of crap.

I actually *chose* to go on anti-depressants because lets face it… I’ve been a dick to live with the past few years. I hit a breaking point where I scared myself and after going to the doctor and fessing up at last… I asked for help.

That’s all the pills are. Something to help your mood remain stable in times when you need them most. My mother didn’t want to go on them for fear she would be on them the rest of her life. People do become dependant on them, and often they do have addictive personalities or feel they cannot cope without the mood stabilisers.

I cannot speak for them.

As soon as the doctor mentioned them even he almost rolled his eyes when saying they’re not dangerous (with a side effects list as long as my arm). But beyond counseling which I would have to seek myself and not find useful… sorry but I just want to feel that numbness for a while, or at the best just average.

I feel much better now I know that things will work out, but still there is that looming FEAR of the future which cannot be cured overnight.

There is so much left to fear. Miracles don’t happen if we believe. Miracles happen because we MAKE them happen.


24 Nov 2010

How I Get To Sleep

 (I struggled to sleep for an extremely long time – Now I use a white noise app on my phone. It has a timer and everything.)

This does seem like a very odd way of stating a post… but really… It is an issue I face on a daily basis.
Now if you are someone that hates the idea of having to take sedatives (I mean really having them in the house is open temptation) , or has trouble for any other reasons, then maybe you can pick up a few ideas from what I resort to.

Visualisation just does not work for me. However much I calm down, my thoughts race and worry consumes me.

Getting to sleep at the end of a night when fear of the future grips so hard and often I am left awake thinking of how to get to sleep or crying till I find myself waking in the morning.

I find that Music on a portable player is a godsend! – I admit I do have an iPod nano, Only because I won it at work! xD Having nice music that causes you to relax is something that helps any calming thoughts and daydreams to happen.

You will have other movies that make you feel better… so if you cannot sleep pop in a DVD, turn off all the lights and watch something before you go to sleep. Watching on your computer is ill advised. Watch the films or even favourite TV programs on a sofa you can sleep on and just drift off naturally. Having a sleep mode on your TV eases any paranoia about electric bills…. but so does turning off the lights!
Sometimes you will wake up after the movie is over and turn everything off before actually going to bed. Sometimes you will not remember waking to actually turn it all off.

Sometimes music and movies may inspire people to draw or write. Doing so makes me feel better, there’s no reason that other people should resist the urge. There have been times in the past at 3am or so I have started drawing. Finishing around 4/5 am or leaving it as a sketch to finish later.

Another thing that helps is cuddling up to something. If there is no partner in your life then a pillow or plush will help. No really.Pillows can easily have images printed on them that have personal significances. Or go to somewhere where you can make your own teddy bears. I managed to find a place that was much cheaper than the ever popular Build-a-Bear and with a greater significance personally.
There Stally-Stal was born. He is a stuffed horse that is dressed as a cowboy. The reverse of his namesake which is personal to me. When I really need something to cuddle the boys aren’t up for the task, so something else is needed. He has even accompanied me whenever I have gone on holiday or on long trips. He got called a moose at the airport! Thinking of which oh god If anyone dares think I hid drugs in him I would be mortified. He is my little baby! – not really but It will sure hurt if they cut him open instead of using his zipper.

Something bought for you off a friend, anything made of textiles is a good way to go to sleep. Don’t rely on something that smells like a person though, it will soon smell of you if you sleep with it!

[At 23 I bought a comfort blanket. I shit you not. It’s good to have some nice soft fabric to snuggle]
Pictures of a loved one under your pillow might help. Even in bad lighting you will still be comforted by the face of the one you hold dear.
I have a pendant given to me by Beloved, sometimes when I need to I keep it by my pillow. I have a framed picture of him and I look over to it during the day. His smile keeps me going like nothing else. His picture is kept beside one of my departed Nanna, looking at both pictures help me keep the people I miss dearly close to me.

It will also sound a little crazy but I always make sure at least one dreamcatcher is strung up from the ceiling or walls. It may be subconscious piece of mind or that the powers that be allow the device to work. Either way despite my fears for the future and the present I rarely have a bad dream.

Even with eating cheese before bed – YUM-

No really, if you need to eat or drink before bed just do it. Get a yoghurt or some fruit, you may feel more awake soon after, but it will help you sleep as your body calms down and stops complaining about being hungry or stressed from dehydration. Yes you may need a trip to the toilet, but most of the time we do so in a partial sleepwalk.

If you do have a partner, which I don’t, then see about asking for a nice backrub or anything you both do together that makes you relax. It could be them singing to you or something, just as long as you do not take them for advantage.

For now that is all I can think of. If it does help anyone in even the slightest then I will be happy. Do feel free to comment and say what things help you sleep or talk about anything I have suggested.

Note… parents will blame themselves, ex partners, everyone they can when you come out to them. Some people can handle people coming out as gay, but they have a far harder time when one comes out as transgender.